Sunday, July 12, 2009

Bad Movies!

IT'S BEEN SAID THAT NONE OF THESE MOVIES really exist. Because who would go out of their way to produce, direct, or star in a movie that was headed straight for oblivion., financial failure, or universal disdain, (sounds like the b- branch of a well known studio). The answer is simple: the big guys can't tell. Since no one has really ever seen any of these films, let this be a warning not to be the first. Critics excluded. They get paid to do it.

Lets make an exception of "Plan 9 From Outer Space",(1959) and "Glen or Glenda",(1953), both directed by and starring Ed Wood. We know that they've been seen because they top the list of every worst film anthology around. "Glen/Glenda" is a quasi-documentary about a sort of identity crisis and angora sweaters. This is viewed by some to be even worse than "Plan 9", which among other things, stars Bela Lugosi in his final role. (Is he still dead?) Yet, it is safe to say that this movie survives beyond criticism. This kind of bad exists in a stratosphere that is better than good.

" The Postman", (1997), starring Kevin Costner. Illogical post-apocalyptic saga, sentimental, soppy dialog. Probably the way everyone will speak after the "big" one is dropped. Yada yada. One critic called it, "Dancing With Myself"...not "With Wolves". ...Received the highest amount of Razzies(5) ever handed out to one movie. That's what critics do when they're being tortured.


" Gigli ", (2003). Big Bomb starring Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. Re-writes were going on all through the making of the film. In fact re-writes were going on after the film was done. Then the producers jumped into the Pacific. Hurray for Hollywood. No one went to see this movie. They couldn't stand the Lopez/Affleck real life romance, would never pay the price of a ticket to see them on screen, when they'd already seen them in People Mag.

"Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot", (1992). starring Sylvester Stallone, with Estelle Getty as "Mom". Stallone himself has said, " One of the worst films in the entire solar system, including alien productions we've never seen." Maybe he should have done comedy. Why can't stars tell what's going on?
"ZYZZYX Road", (2003). NO PIC....Doesn't matter who was in this. Made an amount of money never seen before. $30. at the box office. Yes, I will repeat it..$30. Limited release. Six days in one single theater in Dallas, Texas. According to Leo Grillo, director, it sold 6 tickets; 2 to cast members. Well, OK, starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore. Guys, why?
"Battlefield Earth", (2000), starring John Travolta, Forest Whitaker. Poor script, foolish inconsistencies, blah blah dialog. A cute critic called the film "Travolting". Golden Raspberry Award, (shameful indeed), for Worst Screen Couple: John Travolta and anyone on the screen with him. I hear they shipped this one out to Mars!

And, Ta Da!!! "The Hottie and the Nottie", (2008). Starring Paris Hilton. Nah, you know that isn't possible.


Deedee said...

I haven't seen any of these films and now I feel better because I know I'm not missing anything. I heard that Kevin Costner was made an honorary member of the Lakota Soiux nation after Dances With Wolves - then he later tried to sell some sacred land of theirs in the Black Hills out from under them. Serves him right that all his movies since then have bombed. Karma!

Lyn said...

Hi Deedee-
How interesting..what goes around, comes around..of course!!

A Cuban In London said...

(hidden from view) I saw 'Stop...' many years ago. I can't remember the circumstances other than I have never liked Sylvester and for the life of me I have no idea what I was doing in that cinema. Many thans, you're right, 'Gigli' was awful.

Greetings from London.

Lyn said...

Greetings to A Cuban:
Maybe you lost a bet, the way I did..I was forced to see a movie! Otherwise, maybe you thought this was another "Rocky" comeback??And couldn't believe it?

Unknown said...

Hi Lyn,

This made me laugh. You have such a way with words! Is Bela Lugosi still dead?!

Haven't seen any of 'em. But then I'm not the world's best cinema-goer. I must keep a look out!

Unknown said...

Me again, Lyn. Just wondered if you know this poem about peaches on Kathleen's blog?

Lyn said...

Hi Derrick-
Yes, keep a look out, to avoid these films! As you can see, I'm just a fan of the whole thing... Maybe I was a star in a previous life!

Lyn said...

Hi Derrick-
Somehow I just received your comment about the poem..guess it was flying around space..happens too often with my blog. Will look for the poem..Thanks!

Jeane Myers said...

Glen or Glenda - OMG! what a list Lyn! I'm so bad at not making it to the movies - I just never seem to make the time - I'm too immediate I guess, there always seems something I want to do right here, but since joining netflix, that has changed a bit, albeit I just watch one last night, I've had for over two weeks - doubt I'll be ordering any of these! Ha!

Lyn said...

Hi Jeane-
It's hard to believe that anyone would put money into these flicks, either making them or seeing them! I too am Netflix addicted, so easy, and they have everything..

Tom Atkins said...

Great fun! I've actually seen a couple of these, including "The Postman." That one made me mad because the book was wonderful. Hollywood can, at times, ruin anything. (and that's from a movie fan.)

Lyn said...

Hi Tom-
Thanks so a fan , sort of makes you wonder at the lack of sense (lack of talent) in these choices!!

Kate said...

I know I am in the very small minority but I really actually liked the movie Gigli!

Lyn said...

Hi Kate-
Well, there you go! maybe I'll see it and agree..ya never know!!!

More Than A Kevin Costner Fan said...

Costner cleaned up land that had been trashed and was going to build a resort but couldn't get financing. Instead he built:
The upset was about a land trade done with the state of South Dakota. He didn't try to sell sacred land. And all his movies haven't "bombed" - his last one was with Disney and they wouldn't work with him if they felt his movies had bombed. I enjoy all his movies but if you aren't a fan then of course you wouldn't enjoy them like I do!

Lyn said...

Hi Costner fan-
Me too, a really big fan..Silverado, No Way Out, etc... This post was for a giggle..from a list, and I'm always receptive to true facts!! Thanks!

dori said...

Hahaha! My favorite line: "Bela he still dead?"

Great post!


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