One Year

WHEN YOU HAVE A LOSS AND FALL INTO THE MODE OF MOURNING,
bits of your own disbelief keep shocking you. But knowledge strikes minute after minute, hour after hour. This new time is unlike any you have ever known before.
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On July 18, 2008, I received a call from the retirement home where my Mom resided. A nurse/caretaker informed me that Mom had been ill that week, and just passed away. I wanted to say,"Don't be silly", because my Mom can't die. I became twelve years old again and knew that my Mom would live forever. I asked for a moment, put the phone down, and caught a trickle of tears beginning.
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My Mom lived an incredibly long life. I wonder if I have that DNA. Somehow I want to give it back, because her last few years were wrapped in the fog of old age. Where are we when we fall down that well? I like to think she was packing all her wit and talent and humor to take to the other side. She was hell on wheels sometimes, but I don't think she wound up there!
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A day later, I received a call from my son telling me that his father, my ex, had passed away on July 19, 2008. This was quite unexpected. He'd been ill on and off, his condition had worsened, he was rushed to the hospital, seemed to delay dying till my son arrived, and after he told my son that now everything was alright, he died.
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First year anniversary. I still shake my head in wonder at this coincidence. It is confusing to apportion grief. One minute I was mourning Mom, the next I was thinking of my ex. I can't figure it out, this seemingly rushed need for departure. But I do know one thing. My Mom and C. really liked each other. Maybe they were on the same cloud.."what, you here too?"
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Mom is with me every day. She's so important. I didn't think it would be this way. It doesn't bother me at all that I call her name, before I even ask God for a favor. Maybe because she always tried to help, and I can't forget that. My ex? As my son says often..how can his Dad not be on earth?